All people need love and need to feel loved. This is especially true for children. Feeling loved is a basic human need.
I was loved but I did not FEEL loved as a child therefore, this was a very hard time in my life. I would say this was the darkest time in my life. A time where I just wanted to die. As well as being sexually abused, and having a fractured relationship with my parents and brother, at primary school I was bullied; I was teased, left out and isolated over and over again, I got into fights and also hurt other children. This hurt me very deeply.
My best friend before primary school was a boy, we did everything together as he lived through the fence. He was my cousin and when we got to school he didn’t want to play with me anymore because he preferred playing with the boys. This was my first major heat break and I felt completely abandoned by him. We had a deep soul connection, in fact we still do and as a child I loved him much deeper than he would ever really know.
The girls were what my mother would call ‘scatty’ they weren’t real friends, one day they would be your best friend, the next your worst enemy and this made for very painful times. I feel I want to add in a disclaimer here; I’m certain I also hurt these girls I’m talking about; this isn’t about blame it’s simply about telling my story. I also now understand that these little girls were also suffering a lot through things that were going on in their families too, so I don’t hold it against them but nor does it lessen the pain they caused me as a child.
The boys; they didn’t want to be my friends either. So, it was here where I learned if I flirted with them, maybe even kissed them, that maybe one of them might want to be my friend (for a while). I remember having sexual fantasies of being with the older boys. Because of the abuse my mind and body was sexualised way to young, so I spent a large amount of my mental time thinking about boys, wanting to get their attention and wanting to interact in sexual ways with them, way before my body and mind was actually ready to do this.
I know it’s perfectly normal for little children have periods where they may become interested in the other sex, play Drs and nurses, catch and kiss etc., I’m not talking about this sort of thing. “For me it wasn’t just a periodic time of natural curiosity, it was a constant way of being, it was the beginning of me trying to find LOVE in all the wrong places”.
This behaviour of looking for love, affection and attention from males continued right up to age 32. The most interesting part of this is I had no idea I was seeking this sort of attention until I was 34. I’m 34 years and 7 months old at the time of writing this and I’m now in a place where I have healed and reprogrammed myself to a point where I can see this pattern. It’s a perfect example of how something that happens in childhood can set up a pattern of behaviour that has the potential to last a lifetime.